Like a bird that flies, when you sit still, it comes to you. When you try to catch it, it flies away.
There are many pigeons in New York, with different shapes and sizes. Every one of them is hungry, fighting for food, pecking on the ground. They stay here because the food is most abundant, and comparably they say New York pigeons are the fattest.
I always wanted to live in the city. The idealistic dream loft and the artistic vibe that fits my personality. What really drove me here was perhaps the plethora of women. When I met a girl at a bar on the Lower East one night, I said to my naive self I am going to move here.
She was a stripper. A very fun, playful, and down-to-earth girl. I went home with her that night and ditched my friends. She had a boyfriend and I didn’t care. We went on a road trip to Foxwood and she broke up with him.
I never loved her. I liked her and her careless personality, but most of all, I liked her just to be there when I needed. She did everything for me: cooking, laundry, and helping me take my stuff home when I had to work. I had a place to stay for free and everything was great, until one Sunday morning when I realized what I wanted most is love.
She soon found out what I was doing, cursed me off and became distant. When suddenly that comfort from her was gone, I decided to leave her. Inside my heart I missed her, more for her companionship, because I never loved her.
I moved to the city soon after that. I said to myself maybe I don’t need love. I first picked up a cute tourist girl who spoke only few words of English. I kicked her out of my apartment after two days. I met a disheveled woman who was in her 40s. She stalked me for few months.
I went in to a local bar one night, living in Chinatown at the time. There was a beautiful bartender I chatted with. We got along quite well. But that night as I left the bar, I begin to understand the value of friendship. She wasn’t exactly my type I would go out with, but her vibrant personality was great to be a friend. I never kept in contact with her for some reason. Maybe I was just too excited to meet all these other people in the City.
As I continued to venture, I met a girl that stayed in my mind 'till this day. Her name was Kay, she moved here about the same time I did. At first I didn’t think of anything, until we really get to talk and know each other. She has a unique personality that I adore, and we both have same taste for music, writing, and art. It was a summer of fun. I thought of her as great friend that I connected with. We hung out here and there, discovering bits and parts of the city, until she left the city without saying anything.
I couldn’t find myself to date after Kay left, and every time when some girl talked to me at the bar I would blow them off. I couldn’t understand myself at the time, and I would get frustrated for doing so. Something drawn upon me. What I kept thinking was how someone you connected so well all the sudden disappears. I left her a message, but didn’t get a response.
I moved to SOHO soon after, and met great roommates after bunch of tedious apartment hunting. I learned that although there are so many people in the city that you will meet, only few you will stay connected with. We stayed friends, and it is something I will always remember.
Kay contacted me after five months, saying she had to renew her visa. When we met up again she had a look on her eyes. It was a look from the soul but filled with ambivalence. We hung out a few times. I began to realize my feelings for her. She still hadn’t found a part of her, perhaps moving back to the city was like starting everything fresh. She needed someone close, but I wasn’t able to be there just as friends. Feeling distraught, I started my ventures again.
I picked up a divorcee one night. She was probably ten years older than me. I remembered the look on people’s face when they saw us making out, and I took her home. I had to work the next day so I kicked her out of my apartment. She left as a strong woman, but the look on her face stayed with me.
During one of my friend’s birthday, I took two girls home. I had no intention of having sex or dating any of them, I mostly brought them home because I can, to fulfill a sense of pride. One of them started kissing and we ended up in my bedroom, while the other cleaned my dishes. To this day I still couldn’t understand why. I know they actually wanted to date.
I stopped after that. The meaningless one night stands just really not what I sought for, and I did not want to date a person for the sake of dating. At the same time I felt like that was all there was in the city. After few months, I quite my job.
I met up with Kay again, not thinking of anything. She planned an elaborate brunch that was unexpected. Her eyes sparkled, we looked at each other, but I wasn’t sure what to make of it after all these times. We walked around and chatted. She said she wanted to go to all these places with me and we planned to go to a Jazz club one day.
Kay started her life all over again in the city. While her heart says one thing, her mind knows she’s not ready for anything. Perhaps my encounters made me realize what I wanted. I wish I can be her friend and be by her side to comfort her, but I couldn’t. There are so many things I wanted to say to her, but perhaps some things are better left unsaid.
We never really talked after that. She always has something on her mind, which she always kept to herself. She and I were lost souls in this city, I just hope she will eventually find herself. Until this day I always told people the stripper left me, perhaps to make my heart feel better. She too was a lost soul, always talked about marriage with me.
These pigeons fight against each other, you don’t see that too often anywhere else. Whereas you usually see them travel in harmony, side by side in an elegant form. New York pigeons stay hungry, fighting against each other.
Perhaps I was trying to catch it too soon, and like a bird, it flew away. I can only sit still hoping that a bird will come again, but I can only sit for so long, because my heart wants to fly.
This city has a lot to offer me, but I feel like I am not yet ready for this city. I am going somewhere, maybe come back when I’m ready. After all, like a bird that flies, you sit still, but if you don’t pay attention, it might just fly away.
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